Why Are Breakthroughs So Painful?

Thanks to the OP for posing such a thought provoking and important question which ironically, according to the “great me,” requires a breakthrough to understand. It certainly did in me. In fact, I’m not sure I can find the words to adequately answer this question. What I can say though is that it begins with something theorists have been missing since writing began; the idea that there are only two kinds of experiences which permanently record memories in the mind.

In one of these experiences, the mind permanently associates a three-to-five second pattern of experience to the pain and subsequent blankness inherent in being startled. In the other, the mind permanently associates a pleasant surprise (an aha) to the first kind of pattern. This aha then causes us to fall in love with the painful things inherent in that pattern we used to hate. And so the cycle continues, on and on and on.

Of course, the two patterns I’m referring to here are what lay persons call “wounds” and “healing.” And to be honest, both result in the same amount of pain, just experienced in different forms and interpreted in different ways. For instance, relationship breakups are usually quite painful and people see them as bad pain for a good cause. But falling in love is dripping with suffering. Yet people see this as good pain for a good cause.

Same pain. Different form. Interpreted in different ways.

Not making sense? Then consider for a moment how many people avoid going to therapy, for fear the therapist will tell them frighteningly painful things like that, “they DESERVE better.” Or that “they CAN change.” Or that “it’s NOT too late.”

How about being told “they’re more afraid to be with someone who loves them than they are to leave someone they fear or despise.”

A lot of folks feel like this.

I did for much of my life.

How about that their parents weren’t the cause of all their ills and that it’s up to them to have a good life now.

Good God. Without parents, who would blaming therapists blame?

In the end, what comes to mind here is the old Italian saying, “It’s better to be in the hell you know than the hell you don’t.” And because the startle in the first pattern always causes people’s minds to go blank, no one can ever directly see why they keep “choosing” to suffer the same old suffering.

To be honest, we all know personal change is just plain hard . And that’s the point, isn’t it? We don’t want to suffer any more than we have to. But this is nether due to laziness nor stupidity nor fear nor even depression. It’s just the human condition. That’s all.

Know my favorite commentary on this is in the so-called Tibetan Book of the Dead. Obviously that’s not the real name. I don’t know what the real name is. What I do know is those clever devils had this pain of breakthroughs thing pegged. They said it’s harder to look for one instant into the loving face of God than to look into the terrifying face of God for eternity.

Reminds me of all my bad relationships, the ones that made me a better man. Ah, the glorious breakthroughs all that suffering led to.